Her Last Love Letter

Dear M., she wrote
in lovely strokes and beautiful cursive…

in each line…love letter
she poured out her heart
ending each sentence with
a tear…and a fragment of the love that still clung to each cell
of her battered heart…

she wrote of their memories…
of lessons learned…of realizations…
of the love they once shared…
of what was left of who they once were
to one another…

and she wrote her goodbye…
a painful farewell
to all the years they shared…
the plans they made…the promises…
the dreams they dreamed together…
the intimate moments…
and to the piece of her heart which only belonged to M…

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My 29th Chapter on the 26th…

and so the 26th has passed and i turn to my 29th chapter…and these thoughts make up the year which lead to the end of my 28th…

1. growing up can wait…be a kid whenever you can and cherish the moments when you’re able to be one because you’ll never know when you’d need to forget that you’re still a kid…

2. you’ll never be prepared for what life brings you…no matter how many times you rehearse a scene or practice your dialogues life’s crazy script has a way of modifying itself at the last minute…

3. heartbreaks are always a good thing…heartbreaks teaches us so many things about ourselves…you get to learn and relearn things you forgot along the way…

4. bad decisions are never bad…it’s all about perspectives but then again bad decisions tend to be hard to swallow once you realize there’s lessons to be learned from them…like a pill with a bitter aftertaste 🙂

5. the world will never run out of people who make excuses for themselves…heck i’m guilty of doing the same once or twice ;)..but hey, i try to take responsibility for my actions and decisions as much as I can…whenever i can…

6. that in spite of everything that’s been said and done, how you see yourself should not depend on other people’s opinion of you…learning to brush things off and focusing on your own values will keep yourself at peace…

7. expectations are not good for your well being…when you expect things disappointments are not far behind…

8. that no matter how lonely you feel inside, life will surprise you with something that can make you smile…it may come as a simple greeting from your 6-year old neighbor 🙂

9. a cup of coffee is never too hot on a hot sunny day….especially when you’re sharing this with people who are there to encourage and lend an ear to your present woes…

10. real friends will always be there when you need them…lending you their apartment keys when you need a place to crash when you feel lost…

11. reconnecting with friends is like a cup of hot chocolate during gloomy days 🙂

12. sometimes we break our own rules…not only because we want to but because sometimes it’s the right thing to do…or so we thought 🙂

13. no matter how convicted we are about certain events in our lives,  we’ll always find a reason to give someone a second chance…

14. there’s always a lesson to be learned…somewhere in the chaos of things…

15. it’s never too late to write…and the loneliest moments are usually the best inspiration…

16. it’s never too late to talk to Him…it’s never too late to trust in His plans and to keep faith that amidst all the heartaches, His plans are good…

17. grab opportunities no matter how scary and uncertain things seem to be…those opportunities might not come again should you decide to look the other way…but if you do…accept the consequences of your choices…suck it up if you have to…

18. (in conjunction with #17)…regrets are never a good thing…

19. being kind to others or being shown kindness in one way or another will always leave you smiling 🙂

20. pride has no room when it comes to love…

21. love will always move you to do things beyond your own beliefs…

22. sometimes, you have to take life as it comes…don’t make too many plans…an adventure once in a while is a good thing…like traveling to unfamiliar places in manila and getting a tattoo 😉

23. you can always be a better person…we’re all a work in progress…hopefully we’re all progressing towards something better…

24. listening to music can be therapeutic…especially when unknown artists churn out songs that just leave you speechless in their awesomeness…

25. sometimes doing things which seem insane to others is the only way to keep your sanity intact…”hey mr. penguin, so how have you been?”…

26. you can never get too much sleep 🙂 … take a nap whenever you can…but please refrain from dosing off in places where you risk losing anything of value or being taken advantage of…

27. we are all capable of letting go of the most familiar things and the most comfortable human connection…sometimes we need to let go of these things and confront the unfamiliar to realize that we are worth more than how we are treated…things have a way of getting  lost and people tend to leave…it’s okay to cherish their memories but then we’d have to learn to draw the line when it’s no longer wise to hold on to these memories…

28. i am beautiful…i define who i am and my worth is not dependent on anyone else’s opinion…

and lastly…

29. your FAMILY is the greatest treasure you’ll ever have and the love you get from the people  who make up your FAMILY can never compare to any other…

BDAY

Lazy Monday

and so we talked about love
of being in love…of forever…
of faithfulness…of wanting
to be true…of going against history
and its infinite repetitions…
about dying…of separation…
of expectations…and disappointments…
of never making promises..
of leaving…of living – for the moment…
of getting old and forgetting…
of life…and dreams…and plans
for the far future and the coming weekend…
and my thoughts floated –
like bubbles out of soap recipes…
some eventually bursting…others
dissolving slowly…disappearing
into thin air…eventually forgotten
with sleep…

Pensive Saturday

so the day ended
without word…
nor whisper from the wind…
another typical Saturday –
quiet and reflective…
me – alone in my head,
swimming in my thoughts…
filtering words…
decoding body language
from images and
old conversations
still lingering…
so i start discarding
painful memories…
shredding unnecessary
emotions that weigh me down…
capped the night
with a bottle
of ice cold Coors light…
i think it was
a rather productive day…

Our love story…

do you remember? i do…i remember riding the same bus; getting off at the same stop…you – walking ahead of me…me..taking the elevator ahead of you…i left you at the lobby…you chatted with R…training…then we became friends…

we shared with your heartaches then and encouraged you that life was better away from your heartaches…we were friends…weren’t we?…

i wonder when it all began for you..this love story that i speak of now…it seems a blur to me…initially i kept my distance from you..telling you it was impossible…but you won me over with your persistence, with your sweet ways and all the small things you did for me…you won me over…

at first i acted like as if i had no wish for attachments…but that was merely a desperate act to cover my insecurities and to protect my heart…and yet you were fate which i seized eagerly…like a child…and we were happy…weren’t we?..or maybe it was just me…

i held on to you…and at one point you were it for me…my unconventional fairy tale…my happy ever after…i was prepared for that forever…i tried to keep you free for i had no right to confine you to myeself…but time has a way of making us forget…i forgot somewhere in our journey together to keep you free…i forgot the instant i put down my guard…i started falling…and kept on falling…knowing you would be there to catch me…but somewhere along the fall i thought you were also falling with me…i was naive and selfish…immature and too insecure…but i trusted that you were falling with me…no matter how rough it got…i didn’t notice you had already found a ledge to break your fall…love makes one blind and we trust too much…i continued falling…i guess i must have closed my eyes at some point and i didn’t see that my fall was about to stop…i fell hard…imagine a fall from a 30-storey building then hitting pavement after accelerating…i ended up broken…battered and bruised…

it’s a miracle i survived…i walked away like an injured pup – limping…but somehow i managed to patch myself up to hide the scars…i kept walking…not knowing which way to go or which path to take…but i guess fate,wanting to compensate  steered me towards safety…in the company of  friends and family…faith…but i kept looking back…somehow hoping you were following…but all i’d see each time would be your shadow…growing longer in the twilight before disappearing completely in the night…and again, somehow fate in one of her moments brought us together for a brief instant – 2 weekends and some days…and just when i said i wanted to give “US” a chance, you had given up again…you left me in tears…then came this unbearable feeling of missing you after some time…then the bargaining, for a piece of that old familiar comfort…a little trickle of that love which used to be mine…it seems fate is playing her games again and this quiet desperation amuses her…a last ditch attempt to confuse you perhaps before she implements her algorithm to transform our parallel paths into asymptotes…i wonder what the future holds…shall we leave it to fate?…et ceci est la partie où je dis “ au revoir mon amour jusqu’à ce que nous rencontrons encore. je vous souhaite bien”

Release…

i get lost in my thoughts most times…
drowning in the chaos of things
which i deem worthy to occupy
the spaces of my brain
and consume my time…
sometimes i notice that i forget
to breathe or that i’ve been
holding my breath for too long
though i can’t determine why…
not quite sure whether
i hold my breath in anticipation
or whether i hold it in hopes
that i might be able to escape…
reality perhaps?…or pain…or
maybe its this loneliness that
takes hold of me in moments of
silence and solitude…
and that maybe in the next instant, when i open my eyes
i’d find myself somewhere else…
that in holding my breath
i might be able to travel back in time…
to a point some time in the past…

imagine, if i were able to do such a thing…
and if by chance i find myself
transported to the past
by some glitch in the
time-space continuum
i’d hold your hand tighter…
whisper more i love you’s
and give you plenty kisses
each time i’d hold you…
i’d remind you of
the simple things
that always make you smile…
i’d act silly so i can make you laugh…
and i’d tell you
that on the 15th of may
i gave you my heart
and with it the license to hurt me
hoping you won’t have to use it…
but glitches don’t really happen…
and holding my breath
nor closing my eyes
won’t change a thing…

i get lost in these thoughts….
in the chaos of these things
which remind me of the past…
maybe somewhere in the
fabrics…in the frames of
time and space i’ll be able to
find myself again…

without you…

Image

an old email…05.01.12

I don’t hate you M…im still hurting..it doesn’t mean that I hate you…I’ve already accepted your decision and im trying to get better from all the pain…I’d rather not know that you care because it gives me this sense of hope that maybe we’ll get back together someday since I still think about you most hours of the day, I still pine and ache for you which is not healthy..baka mabaliw ako (i might go crazy)…so stop…im no longer your concern..i know that you’re happy so be happy…wag mo na akong isipin (don’t think about me anymore)…i told you before i have no choice but to survive this event…ayokong maging bitter sa nangyari kasi alam ko Masaya ka naman (i don’t want to be bitter about what happened because i know that you’re happy)…mabuti na yung ganto (it’s better this way)…let’s not talk anymore…siguro saka na kapag nakalimutan ko na lahat (maybe when i’ve already forgotten everything)…in another life maybe…im still hurting..but I’ll get myself better soon…