Release…

i get lost in my thoughts most times…
drowning in the chaos of things
which i deem worthy to occupy
the spaces of my brain
and consume my time…
sometimes i notice that i forget
to breathe or that i’ve been
holding my breath for too long
though i can’t determine why…
not quite sure whether
i hold my breath in anticipation
or whether i hold it in hopes
that i might be able to escape…
reality perhaps?…or pain…or
maybe its this loneliness that
takes hold of me in moments of
silence and solitude…
and that maybe in the next instant, when i open my eyes
i’d find myself somewhere else…
that in holding my breath
i might be able to travel back in time…
to a point some time in the past…

imagine, if i were able to do such a thing…
and if by chance i find myself
transported to the past
by some glitch in the
time-space continuum
i’d hold your hand tighter…
whisper more i love you’s
and give you plenty kisses
each time i’d hold you…
i’d remind you of
the simple things
that always make you smile…
i’d act silly so i can make you laugh…
and i’d tell you
that on the 15th of may
i gave you my heart
and with it the license to hurt me
hoping you won’t have to use it…
but glitches don’t really happen…
and holding my breath
nor closing my eyes
won’t change a thing…

i get lost in these thoughts….
in the chaos of these things
which remind me of the past…
maybe somewhere in the
fabrics…in the frames of
time and space i’ll be able to
find myself again…

without you…

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2nd of June…

if i ask you
to come back to me
would you?…
in a heartbeat
would you come to me
running?…
or would you hesitate
and think whether to leave?
i wish you’d see
through me…
that in spite of
the resistance i put up
there’s nothing more
that i would want than
to have you where i am…
i wonder when i’ll stop; 
with all my wishful thinking
knowing that you
have already chosen
to forget…
i wonder if a time
will come when i too
would choose to forget…
won’t you come back to me before i do?

relapse (3)

my heart grieves like a child –
disappointed…
for expecting you to
keep your end of the bargain…
like a school girl
coming home after school
excited to reach into a cupboard
hoping to find a jar of
cookies…
only to find it empty…
sometimes i question
my own intelligence and
my tolerance for pain and
the melancholy…
and things too bitter
for the palate…

i no longer want to grieve
over things i already know
will never be mine again…
i no longer want my heart
to break over your words…
and yet my heart and my mind
keeps circling back
to the pain that
i find in your memory…
to this sadness
that is you…

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