A Rebirth Story

“I want to be reborn,” she said decisively.

So she plucked the moon and marinated it in poison;

she ground oleander and water hemlock,

and drank the decoction from her porcelain tea cup.

She gathered the stars—near and far, and far and near—

into her bosom, burning her skin

until she was stripped to the bone.

Then she swallowed the sun

and let it burn her further,

until all her wishes, her desires, her hatred,

and her attachments that had been deeply engraved in her bones

became nothing but whispers and ash,

carried by the wind

and scattered into nothingness…

“I want to be born again…”

Then she woke, and became a butterfly.

Luna x Sol

She was the moon, mysterious and ethereal;

He was the sun, bright and magnificent.

The day she was born

Was the day he died;

His arrival,

Was the day of her departure.

They were each other’s destiny,

Yet they were never destined to meet;

They were each other’s fated pair.

And both unaware, followed different orbits.

Though fated, they chased and ran,

And followed others

Without pausing to realize the restlessness in their hearts.

They were always a distance away, sometimes a breath,

But their paths would never cross

-Maybe not in this lifetime,

But perhaps in the next…

Hopefully, in the next.

The Transience of Clouds

Clouds often dot the blue expanse that is the sky

on bright summer days,

during gloomy typhoon seasons,

during the dreamy spring season, on bleak winters,

and cozy autumn days…

Sometimes, they drift gracefully,

like wisps lightly passing by, dissipating

without much resistance

—like a wanderer walking through a quiet town

without any plans of staying much longer than

necessary…

Sometimes they look like lumps of the softest cotton,

the fluffiest pillows, and the puffiest marshmallow

as if you’d have the sweetest dream

if you nestle between their folds

and blanket yourself with some of their fluff…

but they too eventually dissipate after a while,

—like tourists that come to visit a scenic town

staying for 3 days and 2 nights, visiting tourist spots,

and taking photos for memories…

Sometimes they tower above, billowing

into the highest reaches of the troposphere;

they remind me of mothers that sacrifice much more

than what their husbands or their children can see…

they carry the heaviest of burdens—on their shoulders,

on their backs, and on their hips, until the soles of their feet

and their ankles become sore…

they carry rain, like the tears they shed behind closed doors

or never shed at all…

they bring with them thunder and lightning as if to say

“Listen to me…look at me…I am here…I was here…”

just like our mothers or our fathers

as they shout and holler when they’ve lost all patience

and get angry…

But they too eventually dissipate

—but far longer than the stranger or the tourist…they stay

just a bit longer, like your family and your truest friends

that come to visit and sweep through your house…

sometimes, even overstaying their welcome.

The transience of clouds remind me

that regardless of whether we were once like

the intimidating cumulonimbus,

or the ominous supercells,

or the carefree cirrus,

or the ethereal stratus clouds

and the undulatus asperatus clouds that bring a sense of mystery,

we are but a speck in the universe…

our lives are but a drop in the ocean of time

—we are but an impermanent existence…

Day 1. One of those days

Today was one of those days…

the kind where you smile through whatever chaos

was going on deep within you

and you grit your teeth and keep pushing…

Today was one of those days…

the kind where you find out that we are all liars

and we all make excuses

to avoid hurting others…to keep up a facade of being nice

or at least that’s what we think…

Today was one of those days…

the kind where you realize

that it’s better to keep your circle small

and that sometimes

loneliness is the best company

My 29th Chapter on the 26th…

and so the 26th has passed and i turn to my 29th chapter…and these thoughts make up the year which lead to the end of my 28th…

1. growing up can wait…be a kid whenever you can and cherish the moments when you’re able to be one because you’ll never know when you’d need to forget that you’re still a kid…

2. you’ll never be prepared for what life brings you…no matter how many times you rehearse a scene or practice your dialogues life’s crazy script has a way of modifying itself at the last minute…

3. heartbreaks are always a good thing…heartbreaks teaches us so many things about ourselves…you get to learn and relearn things you forgot along the way…

4. bad decisions are never bad…it’s all about perspectives but then again bad decisions tend to be hard to swallow once you realize there’s lessons to be learned from them…like a pill with a bitter aftertaste 🙂

5. the world will never run out of people who make excuses for themselves…heck i’m guilty of doing the same once or twice ;)..but hey, i try to take responsibility for my actions and decisions as much as I can…whenever i can…

6. that in spite of everything that’s been said and done, how you see yourself should not depend on other people’s opinion of you…learning to brush things off and focusing on your own values will keep yourself at peace…

7. expectations are not good for your well being…when you expect things disappointments are not far behind…

8. that no matter how lonely you feel inside, life will surprise you with something that can make you smile…it may come as a simple greeting from your 6-year old neighbor 🙂

9. a cup of coffee is never too hot on a hot sunny day….especially when you’re sharing this with people who are there to encourage and lend an ear to your present woes…

10. real friends will always be there when you need them…lending you their apartment keys when you need a place to crash when you feel lost…

11. reconnecting with friends is like a cup of hot chocolate during gloomy days 🙂

12. sometimes we break our own rules…not only because we want to but because sometimes it’s the right thing to do…or so we thought 🙂

13. no matter how convicted we are about certain events in our lives,  we’ll always find a reason to give someone a second chance…

14. there’s always a lesson to be learned…somewhere in the chaos of things…

15. it’s never too late to write…and the loneliest moments are usually the best inspiration…

16. it’s never too late to talk to Him…it’s never too late to trust in His plans and to keep faith that amidst all the heartaches, His plans are good…

17. grab opportunities no matter how scary and uncertain things seem to be…those opportunities might not come again should you decide to look the other way…but if you do…accept the consequences of your choices…suck it up if you have to…

18. (in conjunction with #17)…regrets are never a good thing…

19. being kind to others or being shown kindness in one way or another will always leave you smiling 🙂

20. pride has no room when it comes to love…

21. love will always move you to do things beyond your own beliefs…

22. sometimes, you have to take life as it comes…don’t make too many plans…an adventure once in a while is a good thing…like traveling to unfamiliar places in manila and getting a tattoo 😉

23. you can always be a better person…we’re all a work in progress…hopefully we’re all progressing towards something better…

24. listening to music can be therapeutic…especially when unknown artists churn out songs that just leave you speechless in their awesomeness…

25. sometimes doing things which seem insane to others is the only way to keep your sanity intact…”hey mr. penguin, so how have you been?”…

26. you can never get too much sleep 🙂 … take a nap whenever you can…but please refrain from dosing off in places where you risk losing anything of value or being taken advantage of…

27. we are all capable of letting go of the most familiar things and the most comfortable human connection…sometimes we need to let go of these things and confront the unfamiliar to realize that we are worth more than how we are treated…things have a way of getting  lost and people tend to leave…it’s okay to cherish their memories but then we’d have to learn to draw the line when it’s no longer wise to hold on to these memories…

28. i am beautiful…i define who i am and my worth is not dependent on anyone else’s opinion…

and lastly…

29. your FAMILY is the greatest treasure you’ll ever have and the love you get from the people  who make up your FAMILY can never compare to any other…

BDAY

Lazy Monday

and so we talked about love
of being in love…of forever…
of faithfulness…of wanting
to be true…of going against history
and its infinite repetitions…
about dying…of separation…
of expectations…and disappointments…
of never making promises..
of leaving…of living – for the moment…
of getting old and forgetting…
of life…and dreams…and plans
for the far future and the coming weekend…
and my thoughts floated –
like bubbles out of soap recipes…
some eventually bursting…others
dissolving slowly…disappearing
into thin air…eventually forgotten
with sleep…

Hearts and Autumn

autumn comes around slowly…
like an old friend walking at
a leisurely pace towards
an appointed time and place
where company awaits
his return from his year-long retreat…
and the Maple, Oak and Elm
welcome him by their abscission…
shedding their leaves
for the autumn breeze
to blow them away…
just like hearts – returning –
finding respite on quiet nights
when all of its loneliness and pain,
and unfulfilled wishes and dreams…
and some rare moments of happiness
are whispered to the night breeze
in silence…in secret…in hopes
that a murmuration of starlings
or perhaps a gulp of swallows will
carry them away in their flight…

Contemplation

I wonder what color loneliness has…
gray perhaps…like gloomy weather…
I wonder whether if its texture
is like sand…rough and grainy…
i guess loneliness is more like
the waves that comes crashing onto
the shore…endless…

I wonder what color pain is…
red perhaps…like the flame…it burns…
I wonder if it tastes like rain
and saltwater…or if it’s sound
is like the humming silence
one hears in an empty room…

I wonder if independence
and freedom always equates
to leaving someone behind…
to heartbreaks…

I wonder if you ever tried
to listen for my heartbreak
while I sat weeping…
and you contemplated
on how best to leave me…

I wish to be nameless…
faceless…anonymous…
I wish to go
where nobody knows me…
my name..or my past…

where present is only a concept
and time winds and bends
according to one’s will…

where memories
can be taken out like
photographs…to be sorted…
filed…and discarded accordingly…

but alas, such a place
does not exist…
and i am left to confront
reality…
perhaps in dreams?
or Alice’s Wonderland?
or maybe in death?

Tears

my tears are unspoken truths…
they are painful memories…
my quiet sadness…

my tears represent time…
each teardrop a period…
in which
i’ve kept myself from
thinking about you…

i restrained myself
from begging you
to come back to me…
to hold me when i feel sad and alone…
to kiss me when i’ve had a bad day…

i picked myself up
in spite of my desires
to sit in a corner
and just let the days pass me by…

my tears are pieces of
you and me…slowly
washing away…

won’t you catch these
tears that i shed?…
these tears are my diamonds…
they sparkle like jewels…
and glisten like the sea
under the sun…