09.01.12

these dreams of late
leave me waking wide-eyed…
wondering…second guessing
the reality of where i find myself
in my waking hours…
and the strangeness of these dreams
pull me towards an abyss…an endless
fall towards you…i fall slowly…
as if drifting…like a feather;
gracefully swaying with gravity…
and in my waking hours
i find myself
listening for your smile…
waiting for the caress from your eyes…
only to realize that i am alone…
so i close my eyes and try hard
to go back to dreaming…but
sleep fails to come to me,
and my dreaming becomes a conscious
imagining of being with you –
sharing moments punctuated with a kiss –
burning…passionate and intoxicating…
and as if on queue, my arms
reach out to your side of the bed
only to find it cold and empty…occupied
by the silence that has filled the room…
i curl towards the empty space that
used to be yours…and i
rifle through memories…as if turning
the pages of your journal – trying to find the page
meant only for me…a page filled with
who i was to you – written in your heavy
cursive…but i find none…disappointed –
i open my eyes to be greeted by
sunlight refracting through my window…

Lost

you used to be my compass…
and i had made “us” the gyroscope
of my life…
but now i can’t seem to find
my bearings…
i am lost…i feel disoriented and
i can’t seem to find my way back…
my compass is busted and
the stars can’t point me to
my true north…
my own chaos consumes me
and i am drowning in the depths
of my despair…
where do i find salvation?

photo: zindy.deviantart.com

The Extremes of Society

some are born with a
silver spoon in their mouth…
born to a life of riches…
of silken robes and pleasure…
with time infinite for their
slow leisurely paces…without
the need to bustle in their days…
and fragrant gardens to greet
them in the morning when
they wake…and yet in spite of
these they still find reasons to
rant and whine and want more…

and some are born without
privilege nor wealth to their
name…with only the coarse
cloth of poverty to wrap themselves in
during cold rainy days and nights…
with only the rancid breath and
the froth of an unjust society
to fill their empty coffers…
and the women – in their struggle,
fling themselves – blindly…
unwillingly…to life’s oldest trade…
they close their eyes for courage…
as they cast off their garb and self respect
for the meager price from salacious men…
and while their bodies are despoiled,
they try to escape..they hitch a train – homeward –
via an endless 8-track in their minds…

the extremes of society…and I,
I was neither born with
a silver spoon nor
a life without privilege
or wealth…my struggles
and my pains are different…
and I wonder
if the elocution of those in power
will bring balance and equality
between these extremes and not
coagulate the divide…as in a diode
where everything would flow
towards one extreme…

Incomplete

i laid my ear to your chest
and listened close to your heart….
it whispered thoughts of
loneliness and pain…
of regrets it would not fathom
nor admit…
of a love that flickers
and wavers…similar to
the phases of the moon –
waning and waxing…
of an affection
whose flames continuously
struggle to burn…

your heartbeat sounded like
a series of measured stacatto…
like shortened beaths at intervals…
why do you tolerate
my company?…aren’t you spent
from doing so?…how long will
you try to endure your suffering?…
this unhappiness that i bring you
only causes your heart to break…
is it because i’m incomplete
as you have described me?
like a puzzle
missing itsĀ  pieces…

Altered

i used to wonder where
the sun went during sunsets..
and where the moon and
all the stars hid during sunrise…
just like how i wonder where
your mind goes in your silence…
where your dreams take you
when you reach that deep slumber…
i used to wonder why
you left…and what you found
while you were away from me…
did you find the happiness
you’ve been seeking for so long?
were you able to find the love
you’ve been longing for?
did you get the things
i could never give you?
and in your absence from
the chaos that i was…did you
find your peace?…your salvation?…
your freedom?…did you find yourself
in her universe?…
but now i wonder what
the reason is
for your return into mine…you tell me
love is the sole reason you came back
but is it really?…i think it’s too late for us…
i think i rebuilt my broken self
with only the old threads
that used to hold me together…
discarding most of who i was…and
without the part you
used to love – my feeble heart…

http://www.domenlo.com/gallery/greek-mythology/the-transformation-of-daphne/

Middle Ground

the stars spell loneliness
like omens foretelling
death…not of the body
but of a soul…of a love…that has been
struggling…adrift in the
chaos and the conflict
between a healing heart and
a stubborn mind…trying to reconcile
a part wanting to feel…
safety…love…that warm
comfort within an embrace…
the other, ready to take
that step towards uncertainty;
towards that which is without…
to feel…a little freedom…
and yet that step has not been taken…
still hoping you’d take my hand
to pull me back into your arms
to tell me that i am worth
every ounce of sacrifice and pain…
and yet i know that
your love is not big enough
for both of us…
should i choose to give up
my dreams until your love
swallows both of us
in a comfortable cradle…or
until you learn to trust me
and in the love that i have for you…
for us?…am i too selfish?…
it seems there is no middle ground
for our plight…no compromise…

Merry-Go-Round

we are a funny pair
you and i…
we chase each other
round and round
as in a merry-go-round…
and our stubborn hearts
get the better of us…
we don’t let go
even as the world spins
out of control
right before our eyes…
and when it stops
we laugh at our foolishness
and fall to the ground –
out of breath…flushed
and happy…until we realize
it’s time to grow up…