vanity…

i find blisters
on the soles of my feet
from wearing 3 inch heels to work…
i feign comfort
each time i walk
from my apartment to
where i wait for a jeepney
which takes me to work and back…
it’s funny how my desire
to look “beautiful”
has pushed me to torture
myself…all for the sake of “beauty”
and i wonder if i actually
look beautiful…
i guess i’ll never know…

first love…

there are moments
i’d never forget…
bittersweet memories i’d relive
and replay endlessly
no matter how painful or heartbreaking…
just so i’d feel…
just so i’d remember
that once in my life
i lived them…and they were real…
that first brush
of your fingertips against mine…
that first moment you held my hand…
that first time we shared
a conversation over a cup of coffee
or rather a cup of double vanilla tea latte…
that first movie date…
that first kiss…and
all the kisses that came after…
these are moments more precious
now more than ever…
and like all those firsts, you were
my first love…my first commitment…
my first heartbreak…

relapse (2)

you say that i still hurt you
though we’re already far apart
have i hurt you really?…
you say my lack of trust
breaks your heart
and yet i do not see
nor feel you hurting…

are you not in the arms
of the one you love now?
are you not kept safe
in her embrace?
and when unpleasant dreams
come to you in your sleep
are you not kept at peace
by her kisses?

how can my heart trust you…
or the words that have left your mouth
when you left me
for the company of another?…
i have forgiven your cheating heart
do i not deserve a little dignity…
a little pride?…just a little…
a little of myself…

05.30.12

have you ever loved someone?
loved them so much
that every time you close your eyes
they’re all you see…in your dreams
and in your waking hour…
whether there with you
or as a memory…

have you ever loved someone?
loved them so much
that when they leave, you ache…
and yearn…and long for their return
in every passing minute…

have you ever loved someone?
loved them so much
your heart could never think
to lie…nor keep things to spare
them from the pain of your honesty..

have you ever loved someone?
loved them so much
you’d risk dying to keep your loyalty
to a heart that trusts…and holds you dear…

have you ever loved someone?
loved them so much
that one smile is enough to calm your heart
which grows weary from the world…

have you ever loved someone?
loved them so much
that when they break your heart
you continue to hold on
to the love you bear for them
because you’d rather have your heart
broken a thousand times over
than be without them…

i wonder if you loved me as much…
for i loved you as much…
loved you dearly…
and i loved you with a heart
though broken remained true…

stuck

if you could wish me away,
would you?
if you could go back in time
and change anything
would you stop in 2010
and change my chapter in your story?
i wonder if i would…
if i knew how things
would turn out in the end…
i might…
but it’s only wishful thinking…
there’s no way to turn the
hourglass and refresh time
or bend space…
i wonder if in a parallel world
there existed a you and a me
where we’d never met…
or another where we never parted…
this line of thinking
is like quicksand…i keep sinking
in my struggle to break free
from memories
that make me question my own sanity…
somebody throw me a reed
and pull me out quick!

interrupted

i am currently at a loss
for words
to paint a picture of
this weekend…
a cup of coffee…a smile…
a conversation…a brush of hands…
a touch…a kiss…
it seemed so natural
for me to give myself to you…
i missed you…and yet
it seemed like i didn’t…
it was a moment of weakness
and at the same time
an affirmation of strength…
i didn’t notice but
it seems i’ve already
stopped holding my breath
for that eventual encounter with you…
i think our chance has passed…perhaps?…
i am at a loss…
and this numbness
permeates through my heart…
like vacuum
i am left empty…